i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
