I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
