Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i love accidental penises.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
