Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize