i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
