I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
