Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
