you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
