My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
