How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
