So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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