I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
