this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
