yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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