you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
