so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
