apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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