New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I want a musical about memes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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