I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
