I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
ttyl tear gas
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
