i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just gift wrapped bread.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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