Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
