the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
