between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
