Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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