Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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