I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
