Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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