Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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