i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
