The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
