if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
