They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
