just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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