Dude my mom stole all your condoms
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
