Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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