Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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