He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
