May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
