If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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