i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
