sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
