Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize