My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
