My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
