At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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