He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
