I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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