I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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