dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
