So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
