sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
