I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
