Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
