my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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