When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
