I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
